The Expanse (Yitro 5785)

What I wouldn’t give
for Your Cloud of Glory
right now
It would be a comfort

I am preparing to embark
In some ways I am already
     in between
I know what is ahead of me
and what I am leaving behind
I am ready and
     not ready
I am heartsick and also
eyes firmly forward

But there is an Expanse
to be crossed in a single step
in long hours of travel
in several years of resettling
An Expanse with people on either side
loving me
and yet, an Expanse that I will have to cross
     Alone

What a comfort it would be
to be able to see Your Cloud ahead of me by day
to feel Your Fire protecting me at night
You gave this to the Israelites
It was meant to instil faith

I have faith already
     most days
so I must go without the visual surety 
of Your Presence?
It seems unfair, this.

And yet I know You’ve always been with me
     b’midbar
in the wilderness of my wanderings
In the narrow places
In the moments of first steps and
final goodbyes
I know
You will be there, in the Expanse
I have already entrusted my spirit 
     to You
I don’t need to see You to know
You are there
     most days

But on the edge of the precipice
gathering my courage and rooting into resolve
in this moment, it would be nice
to have Your Cloud of Glory before me
Your Pillar of Fire at night

More than nice, it would be
miraculously reassuring
But this is not an age of miracles
so I must comfort myself with the faith I have
cultivated 
     A (mid-)life’s work
and take that step knowing
that I am crossing from loving arms to loving arms
     from student to student
     community to community
     home to home
and that when I feel afraid of the breach
     between
You will be there, guiding me through

whether I can see you
or not