Elul IX: High on Love
To God: A love poem for Elul
For My Love, I want to be my best self
Because when I am my best-self, You are Your best-self
And when Our best-selves come together
there is nothing better
We can take on the world; its possibilities are
endless
I returned to You out of fear, once
Not fear that You would harm me if I left You,
The opposite – fear of losing You
Fear that You would turn away from me,
from the ugliness of me at not-my-best
But no sooner had I returned to You, did You remind me:
Your love is unconditional.
Even at my not-best
Even when I am being ridiculous – You still love me
You might even love me more, for all my faults and frailties
You enfolded me like a broken bird and held me until I was healed
And when you opened your hands to let me fly, strong and free
the love We felt for one another in that moment
– Your pride and My gratitude –
was intoxicating
An incomparable high.
It is that love which calls me back now,
stronger than a fear of losing what cannot be lost
A longing to feel that kind of love again
the headiness of reunion
the relief of feeling close to You again, after being estranged
the comfort of coming back into Your presence,
knowing You are just as glad to have Me back
as I am to be back in Your loving embrace
once more
For this, I return
For this, I can forgive
For this, I can do the work
For this, I can be better
if this is my reward
For my love,
I can be my higher self
Writing Prompt: Our sages teach that there are two types of teshuvah, a turning/returning that is compelled by fear, teshuvah m’yirah, and a turning/returning that comes from a (higher) love, teshuvah m’ahavah. . . the repair and repentance that we do out of fear is fine – it gets the job done, but the teshuvah that is compelled by love, that is what we aspire to. R’ Toba Spitzer describes teshuvah m’ahava as a “teshuvah that comes from a desire to make close that which has been far off, to return to a state of intimacy with all that is Godly within ourselves and the world around us.” . . . I wonder if it is possible to give voice to a desire for intimacy; to write a love poem to yourself, to the world, to the Holy One of Blessing. How can you tap into the love that is the foundation of this work?
