Never an Esther

I was never an Esther
     (until now)
I wore my Jewish pride 
with pride
Bejewelled and armed with 
learning shared 
with anyone who would listen

My Jewishness is often first through the door
“Rabbi” preempting my given name on desks and lanyards 
and at the bottom of poetry and divrei Torah
I never thought to hide it
     (until now)
Why would I?

Until the 7th of the 10th
Until people were out in the streets calling
for MY blood
(maybe not mine specifically but it sure felt personal
as I cowered in my home wondering
how easily someone could google my address) -
“Rabbi” suddenly seemed like a 
     Bullseye - 
A title I might want to keep
under wraps

I used to be critical of Mordechai’s advice:
Hide your Jewishness
Change your name
I used to cluck my tongue
softly and
roll my eyes at his outdated ways
And the feminist in me
couldn’t help wonder if Esther’s Jewishness
might have saved her from the 
     plunder 
that awaited her in the palace
Could it have made her undesirable? 
Saved her
from his wandering hands?

Now, as I note that my Uber driver’s name is Yussuf
and tuck my six-pointed star beneath my shirt 
I am Esther’s sister
I am every Jew who has ever been afraid 
of being Jewish
Now I know that sometimes it is safer
to be anonymous
to avoid certain places
	Don’t draw attention
	Don’t use yiddish words too loudly
And God Forbid
	Don’t talk about Israel in public!

When Esther reclaims her Jewishness she reclaims
her power
     Our power
She saves herself, her uncle, her people
How I long to be that Esther -
to feel that Jewishness is powerful 
     once more
How I long to shed my shame
The shame that has sat heavy on my chest
since the first time I tucked my necklace
covered my tattoo
took off my kippah
shoved certain t-shirts to the back of the 
     closet

How I long to come out of hiding
to let my Jewishness 
     out, again
to let it breathe
to celebrate it in the public square as freely
as I do in my home and my shul
Behind walls

How I long to believe that I could save us
by shouting my Jewishness 
for all to hear and see 
And yet
     Not yet
(Not now)

Not yet